In this movie, Russell Crowe is a crackerjack hostage negotiator and Meg Ryan’s the typical victimized female. Before I saw this movie, I had visions of Meg Ryan, America’s Sweetheart, being kidnapped by terrorists bent on depriving the world of primo coffee. Sadly, though, Meg’s not kidnapped. That honor goes to her onscreen hubby, Peter (David Morse), who’s working on building a dam (under the direction of the usual Evil Oil Company) somewhere in South America. Local rebels blockade a road and pick up David, and after learning he works for a rich American company, take him hostage.

Crowe’s Terry is called in to talk to the bad guys. He’s had a lot of practice doing this, just as Crowe’s had a lot of practice playing steely, stoic guys who Do the Right Thing all the time. And just as Ryan’s had a lot of practice playing cutie pies. During filming of this movie the two stars had an affair. Remember? I was on the edge of my seat for several minutes as I waited for the next engrossing episode of Meg n’ Russ. But I digress.

While Peter’s held captive, he’s tortured a little. He’s deprived of food, water, etc. Oh, and he’s mocked incessantly in Spanish by the Number One Bad Guy. I almost expected the Number One Bad Guy to reveal his evil plans, but I was disappointed on that front. But the torture Peter suffers is nothing compared to the endurance required for the viewer to watch Crowe and Ryan attempt to act. Movies like this only prove that Meg Ryan is incapable of acting in movies that do not showcase her “cute” image. Put her in Sleepless in Seattle, and the country falls in love with her. Put her in a movie with a more serious plot, and she’s just ballast.

Added to Ryan’s incapabilities was the one-note performance by Pamela Reed as Peter’s sister. I can’t blame Reed entirely for her abrasive performance, however; like that of Lorraine Bracco in Medicine Man, the annoying aspect of the character comes at least as much from the screenwriters as it does from the rather constipated performance.

Back in the early 1980s, the movie Missing covered some of the same territory, although without a negotiator. In it, Jack Lemmon and Sissy Spacek search for their son and husband (respectively) who is feared to be kidnapped. The characters have never liked each other, being polar opposites on many issues. Yes, their characters found a way to work together to reach the same goal, but it wasn’t a clean, perfect working relationship, either. The characters grew during the course of the film. That’s good writing. Here, the predictable happens, some of it terribly ludicrous. Here are some facts: Peter is in captivity for over 120 days (as evidenced by messages of “120 days” and such on screen). Ryan’s Alice tries any way possible to get him back (her husband’s company won’t help, with no kidnapping insurance!), and eventually “settles” for Crowe (why is it that the hero is always The Last Hope?). But even though Alice wants Peter back…. Well, I won’t give anything away, but let’s say her actions are not congruent with that logic at all.

While Terry is stoic and an all-around get-the-job-done kind of guy, he’s not terribly exciting, either. Sure, you argue, but he doesn’t have to be. He’s so cool that he can just sit back and think things through. But hey, this guy never even raises his voice, let alone lose his temper. Which is great if you’re looking for a methodical accountant, but an action hero? And don’t tell me he’s not supposed to be an action hero – stuff gets blown up. That not only screams “action movie” to me, it wears an “action movie” hat with a t-shirt that says “Kiss me, I’m an action movie”. Let’s not pussyfoot around here, folks. This is an action movie with a librarian as its hero.

“Oh,” you say, “but it’s ok. He just looks so damn fine! I don’t care about his actions, I just wanna see that smouldering hunka hunka burning love!” Oh, he smoulders, all right. But you know those forest fires that burn below the ground, where you only see smoke coming from the earth? He’s like that. And you know what? I’ll look at those fires on The Weather Channel, then quickly pass on by. Smoke is smoke, but flames are an interesting thing to watch.

This is a junky film. But I will say this – David Caruso, late of NYPD Blue and a failed movie career, is aces as Terry’s comrade in arms, Dino. Way to go, David! But everyone else? Ick. Hope they don’t need to put this on a resume.

Proof of Life: 4